EiLvaNe's Xanga

i am an alien because...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:26:30 GMT

it feels like the planet i used to live on exploded into trillions of asteroids.
and they all flew different ways.
some asteroids managed well on their own
some managed to recombine into another planet.

it feels like somehow,
my piece landed on a different planet.
and while it looks, sounds, and smells the same,
it feels entirely different.
these planeters are like strangers.
aliens.

and no matter how much we look alike,
how much we think we're alike,
how much we act like we're alike,
we just dont belong together.

and the sad thing is,
i have no more planet to go home to.
because it is scattered all over the galaxy.

so where do i belong?

because the road less taken....

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:37:43 GMT

has made all the difference.
because it is one that is winding,
on acrophobic altitudes,
and set with rocks protruding in sharp jagged edges
said to be useful in polishing diamonds
yet diamonds are supposed to be harder than rocks.

a road that,
once walked upon
yields not only footprints
but leaves a mark on its traveller.

and those who roam on the wider road
and occasionally catch a glimpse of its brother
will stare in wonder and in awe
as this strange stone gets polished into a diamond
wishing that it was theirs to experience.

now they see right through me
but only i know who i used to be
strength and strain shed me from me
now truly i know who i can be

gee. im letting words fly around again.
forgive me the confusion you feel from reading this. hahaha

and when someone dies...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:01:06 GMT

you ask for one more day
or one more hour
or one more minute

but you just dont realise that it has already been given to you
one day ago
one hour ago
one minute ago.

and you would now think,
hey maybe i should cherish him/her more.
mama, papa, sister, brother, b/gf whoever.

but no matter how much you love them
and how much you wanna treasure this moment,
you just want more.
and more. and more.

the matter is
we just dont get sick of loving someone.
even past the point of possibility,
you still dont stop.
and thats why,
a day more
an hour more
a minute more,
is one more to cherish
and one more to lose.

wuah emo.

because i'm afraid i wont like what i see.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:18:15 GMT

and that's kinda the reason why my blog layout has remained the same.
of course, there is also the laziness element,
which duznt really need to be elaborated further.

but really.
today is one of those occasions that i discover a little bit more about myself.
and well. the realisation is that i am not as okay with change as i thought i was.
in fact, i am pretty resistant to change.
either that, or im lazy to adjust myself to change.

maybe that's why i'm still overweight after so many years.
maybe that's why my blog STILL looks the same.
maybe that's why i still have some PMR books in my room collecting dust.
and that my hair has looked the same since i was 16.

meh. this blog post somehow feels like its taken from the book of Lamentations.
hahahahaha.

oh and if this was of any benefit to you,
or of any form of reading pleasure,
do tell me.
heh. feedback is required.

Blessed beyond measure.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:15:08 GMT

y'know the way boat trips would be boring without the wave rocking on the sides?
my life would be boring without God.
he is the wave that rocks my boat.

i still kinda cant believe my eyes when i stare at the score sheets for auditions.
there were 4. empat. 사 . quadro. sei. si. FOUR people who auditioned.
thats like, my prediction, multiplied by four!
which means, today i got 400% of what i expected.
and you think my God doesn't exist, isn't real?

to be honestly honest,
i was kinda discouraged the night before
when i thought that nobody but Janzen (who eagerly replied my text with a "Yeap!! =D") would come.
but after awhile of prayer,
i felt contentment in my heart.
a gentle reassurance that things would be fine had crept in and stayed.
the knowledge that all was in His hands,
and that all was well.
and so i spent my day with the simplest state of heart:
"God, i may be given little, but great is Your work.
Your will be done."

and when one person after the other came for the auditions,
i felt my spirits rise.
in fact, at some point i was almost gonna cry, (cuz i was just too happy)
but the people around me were in such contagious bliss!
how can a tear ever be shed in presence of such joy?

i would like to thank every single one of you who were at auditions.
Jamie, Steffi, Jess, Apple, Oscar, Seyniel, Gareleos, Janzen, Frank. (Reese?)
thank you for sparing your precious afternoon,
thank you for being such a great encouragement to me,
but most of all,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for offering your talents to the Lord.
you guys made my day awesome.

hove. late. lote. have. hote. lave. love//hate

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:31:16 GMT

this is oxymoronic.
paradoxical. self-contradictory.
but it is the people you love most that you sometimes hate most.

the people who have the ability to tear you apart with hurt,
are, ironically, the only people who can make it all okay.

not emo-ing, really.
it just happens to be so true.

anger and murder.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:09:24 GMT

anger is a powerful thing.
(haiyah, dont say like that bah. anger is bad!)
but its true. anger really is a powerful emotion.
and while one can say the pen is mightier than the sword,
anger is way more powerful.

when one his angry, one loses his head
and all form of sanity that was established before.
when angry, one is not rational,
has no reason, and most of all,
has no consideration for anyone but themselves.

being angry at someone amounts to committing murder in your heart.
and while that may not be against the law,
and like video games, one person can be killed multiple times and not ultimately die,
somehow, a little part of something IN you dies together with them.
something that you might not even learn to appreciate till you feel its absence.

anger management is not rubbish.
the way some conduct it may be absolutely ridiculous,
but really. it's all for greater good.
because a mixture of murder and suicide is just... wrong.

my (little) contribution to the vampire hype...

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 17:10:46 GMT

[12:52:15 AM] VeRn: u coming back for cmas?

[12:52:18 AM] Tammi Cherise Tan: no duh (:

[12:52:36 AM] Tammi Cherise Tan: then we can go see new moon and swoon over carlisle together HAHAHA

[12:52:46 AM] VeRn: HAHAHAH

[12:52:47 AM] VeRn: OH YEAH

[12:52:49 AM] VeRn: alrigh

[12:53:00 AM] VeRn: mental note: new moon is reserved to tammi

[12:53:03 AM] Tammi Cherise Tan: <3

[12:53:07 AM] VeRn: i am rejecting all new moon invites till you come back XD

[12:53:10 AM] Tammi Cherise Tan: HAHA AWESOME

so now, my new moon is booked. XD
and well.
while almost every other person is swooning over robert pattinson,
here's our craze.

and he looks great even when he's not in the movie!
like, boom boom pow. XD

anyway. anymore and i wont make sense.
so this is it for today. hahahahah

because i am a teaichuurrrr....

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:34:22 GMT

as my twitter and facebook statuses say,
sometimes being a teacher puts you in a position where you are educated more than you educate.

sounds absurd, but it really is true.
its been three months since i first stepped into this job
without realising that i would be in for an education i could've never gotten anywhere else.

kids are just pure gold, really.
no wonder Jesus told us to be like little children.
one innocent word of awe or the involuntary sweetness
can simply make your day.
and the best part?
they dont even know they've just done it!
now that's what i call high skill. XD

but of course, those're just the sweet parts.
there are kids who drive you crazy with their indignancy, clueless-ness
or maybe the occasional tantrums,
and little bits of devilish acts enough to make you feel like you just wanna.............
just wanna.................
(never mind. you know what i mean.)
yet it is exactly these kids that have been fueling certain reflective thoughts.
thoughts that, maybe if shared, might confuse the hairs off your head.
therefore i shall just share part of my finite opinions.

i think that we were all born as brilliant kids,
filled with limitless imagination and plain ingenuity.
and somehow, some adult who doesn't believe in "fantasies" and "silly ideas",
force into their minds what they think is "the way of the real world".
forgetting that once, quite awhile ago,
they also believed in "fantasies" and "silly ideas",
until some OTHER adult came and killed that.
sounds like an awful chain effect doesn't it?
and well. the outcomes can be related to that of politics:
the oppressed fight back.
gives some explanation to why kids make you feel like you wanna..............
does it not?

Don't suppress your kids' thoughts just because you can't keep up.
they'll get used to thinking at your pace.

just one small part of the massive amount of thoughts i have yet to cohere.
maybe some adult made me think at their pace when i was little.
*chuckle*
i still love you guys, mom & dad.

on a side note,
inhumane hour to be awake, really.
but this is my "at ease" hour. =)
and i love the feeling.

because i am Malaysian

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:06:14 GMT

just got back from church retreat.
and i must say, despite the certain unpleasantries,
a touch from God made it all worthwhile.
trust God to redeem and refresh anything.
nothing beats His touch, His love, His amazingness.

but this blog post is not about the retreat.
no, its not. we'll save that and its details for another day.

happy Independence Day, West Malaysians.
we kinda have nothing to do with it cuz Tanah Melayu didnt include us.
we all celebrate on 16 September okay?
the REAL Malaysia Day.

i dont know how many of you have noticed,
but there seems to be less flags on cars this year.
heck, i even forgot about our supposed National Day until someone reminded me.
granted, i was at a church camp,
and you dont normally think about dates when you're in church camp.
you just go: Day1, Day2, Day3. hahah.

but yeah. i have noticed that not many cars bear the national flag this year.
and somehow, i cant help but feeling rather sad.
it cant possibly be the economy,
it really isn't bad enough that people cant afford to buy flags.
only shows one other thing, doesn't it?

i believe my country is a great country.
i just wish it was easier to believe for everyone else too.